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On a journey to self-discovery... wait till I get there

Monday, October 5, 2009

Sweetest Girl

Yesterday was an extremely sad day for me. Not just for me, but also for my family, and many of my close friends. Why? Because, they had become close friends with someone else too. That was Roxy. My 10-month-old Great Dane.

Roxy died yesterday. She was ill from a long time. Her case was rather peculiar. Whatever she ate somehow seeped into her lungs making it extremely difficult for her to breathe almost choking her. This was a condition she was born with. She was too young to suffer so much. So, after much contemplation, we put her lights out yesterday.It was most difficult for my parents to convince me about what we were about to do. I couldn't accept it. It was too damn hard. I knew I had to convince myself. I had to be strong.

It happened. One minute she was in my arms, the next minute, she was no more. All in a moment. I suddenly felt a surge of utter sadness engulfing me. I looked around for some support, but my parents, sister and brother-in-law were inconsolable themselves. I had to draw from my own strength.

What I feel happy about, is how well she was taken care of while she was here. No words are enough to express gratitude to my parents and my brother-in-law for going that extra mile to make sure she was OK. We kept her happy.

She used to be the sweetest friend I ever had. She never once complained that I was too spoilt or that I have too many shoes or that I don’t keep in touch, or that I was too stuck up with my work. Instead she loved to see me at absolutely anytime of the day or night (read late night). Irrespective of whether I had been nice to her, nasty to her or had just plain ignored her on our previous meeting. She truly loved me and she made me smile.

I’ve learnt a great deal from Roxy. She used to be as happy and playful as ever, despite all her suffering. She never failed to greet us cheerfully, whenever we got back home, even if she was bed-ridden for the entire day. She also gave me a wake-up-call to spend ample time with Ruby and Romeo (my other two dogs). They are darlings as well. The moments I spent with her are something I can never forget. They just playback to me like a movie.

I slept with a heavy heart last night, but when I woke up this morning I realized that I was smiling. It was another bright and beautiful day, and I know now, that Roxy is in a better place.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Looking In

I recently did an intensive meditation program. Its amazing how transforming these programs can be. Suddenly, a large part of my life seemed so meaningless, so abstruse, and yet obvious. I know its an oxy-MORON! Its almost funny!

It involved a lot of introspection. I began examining my own thoughts, desires, feelings and in a more spiritual sense, my soul. I began contemplating. I wasn’t even aware of all the junk that was in there.

Sure was a great insight for me. I became a stranger to myself, yet closer and more connected to the world around me. I suddenly started feeling responsible for everything happening around me and yet so disconnected to all the emotions. I was already emotionally disconnected (according to my friends) but this was uncharted territory.

I just couldn't get enough of it, so I registered myself for a higher course. I am looking forward to an extremely intensive form of meditation, next month. It is called Bhava-Spandana. Bhava means emotions and Spandana means to react to it (for the un-initiated). It should give me more scary insights about the strange me.

When I was planning my leave for the same, I was joking with my HR that I might end up renouncing the world and might not come back to work. She almost refused to give me leave...

But hey, I have some serious cleaning up to do.